Sunday, September 11, 2011

volcanoes melt me down

i've said it ten thousand times, but damien rice has an inexplicable ability to wrap his lyrics around my heart and mind in this eery shadow.

in case you don't know me at all (in which case, go away CREEP!), i'm quite possibly the most nostalgic person you'll ever meet. but you know. shit happens.


damien rice, sing me softly to sleep, and i can pretend i'm 18 again, just tonight.

though in all fairness, if i were really going to play the "18" game, i'd need to have the windows down in Mildred, my 02 taurus with hawaiian toile roxy visor dangling from my rear view mirror, and Something Corporate on infinite repeat.

i'm a big fan of infinite repeats and driving late at night with no destination. each fall, when the weather cools off and is particularly conducive to snuggling, i have this urge to drive north to justin/argyle, camp out for a few hours, and go on a picnic. i've never really been on a picnic (like, a romantic picnick, y'allz). but i want meteor showers and bottles of red wine, and with the unscrewing of each cork and the clinking of each glass come the inevitable game of "what do you love?" and "what scares the hell out of you" and "in which cases do we revel in the darkness between?" and the sky illuminates your reactions, and the answers and lip-biting and small smiles are all the more intimate.

i think i touched on this some in an older blog entry:

and probably another one too.

good night, moon.

ashes, ashes.

i'm not going to make you weep big eagle-sized sparkle tears when i tell you where i was when the first tower fell.

i was getting ready for school. my mom was watching the Today show, and screaming at me to hurry up, a giant cup of decaf coffee in hand.

i was mulling over my outfit. would he notice me? my boobs looked pretty awesome in my new silver top. still, i didn't want to draw too much attention to that area, because he was supposed to be dazzled by my personality too. and quite possibly my new silver eyeliner. so i kicked off the abercrombie jeans i had on and thew on faded Gap overalls with my obnoxiously blue Doc Martens.

my mom is a bit dramatic by nature, so when she yelled at me from the bannister, i was half-way through lying with, "but all i have left to do is brush my teeth," which usually bought me 7 glorious minutes before the screaming began.

the look on her face as i jumped down the stairs, my Docs thumping loudly, quickly made me realize something else was wrong. she pointed to the TV. katie couric and matt lour were breaking the news that the first tower had been struck (presumably by terrorists) by an airplane just as the second plane in the background eerily crashed into the second tour.

we listened to Kidd Kraddock in the morning on Kiss FM while she drove me to school, and barely talked. i wasn't old enough to drive yet, and i didn't hassle her about practicing with my permit that morning.

i was in the band hall, hanging out with friends and flirting an undoubtedly super lame dude whose name i can't even recall, when the first tower fell. i was so enthralled by his every word until the band hall was all aflutter with whispers of terrorists and plane crashes.

two member of the band were laughing and screaming, "ashes, ashes, we all fall down!" and students were joking that they hoped band practice would be cancelled after school. and then the usual fat jokes about the band director ensued, and we were all just shrugging and selfishly hoping classes would be easier today.

mostly, though i was just freaking out about the geometry test i had in ten minutes.

coach douchebag (i can't remember his real name, only that he was a golf coach) bore his usual dull look on his face. He was, without a doubt, the worst math teacher I've ever had (including college math). he had a heavy southern accent, and when he talked about "trah-ungles" and "thur-ums" and "post-u-lutz," i wanted to die a little (or a lot) inside.

he turned the TV on so we could watch the news, since this was pretty epic.

throughout the geometry test, we began to hear horrified accounts of people trapped and body counts.

i'm sure i still would have failed the geometry test, even without watching the second tower collapse, but i think that's when i realized the magnitude. life is real.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

but in the middle of the night, i worry; it's blurry even without light

i've inevitably gotten myself in one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. and i'm not even talking about my health.

every year, without fail, fall changes everything. for better, or worse. and i can feel it sweeping over me already.

all i can do at this point is invite everyone over for the annual hocus pocus drinking games, right? right.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

making banana pancakes

it's been a while!

i've been cramming all my creative efforts into my jewelry and etsy shop:

and on healing. but i'm not discussing that in this blog as much as i did last time. it was out of control. even i don't want to know myself that well.

so, i've decided that if i'm going to get back into the swing of things with le blog, friday five-ing it is a lovely way to start:

What kind of magnets do you have on your fridge?

several. ones that spell out dirty words, ann taintor snarky magnets, a baroque magnetic basket, and several other magnets clutching love letters clipped between the prongs, so that when i get my milk in the morning for my honey bunches of oats, i'm happy.

What’s your preferred type of glue?

epoxy 36000 industrial strength. best glue ever.

When is it good to feel sticky?

after sexy times, usa.

What was the last thing you wrote upon a Post-It?

"Brett, I'm really sorry ginger threw up on these."

How much pancake syrup do you put on your pancakes?

i went through times when i hated syrup. i'd rather have whipped cream and jam on swedish crepes, to be honest. gingerbread pancakes (my fave) get very little syrup. maybe even some powdered sugar and brer rabbit. fluffy blueberry pancakes can have a tiny amount. no syrup drowning aloud.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

and there's nothing you can do about it now

((listening to "blood" by the middle east at the moment))

my mind is racing and i'm completely panicked.

a few years back, i adopted a strange complex about crying in front of my friends (unless it's due to physical pain or the like). so now, i'm afraid that if my friends see my crying simply because i'm just completely bummed out, the results will be gross. it shouldn't matter, but deep down, my gut tells me that if i let everyone see what a total mess i really am right now, they'll decide i'm too much of a hassle and write me off. because i'm a five alarm mess, and i don't know how this happened, or where things spun out of control, but they're so twisted in eight thousand different directions that i can't even begin to sort them out.

the truth is, some days, i sit in my car and cry during my lunch break, because i feel so physically ill.

i have to take about different eight medicines nearly every single day (some of which i have to take three times a day). i'm dealing with gut-wrenching cramping that twists me into killer pain, random uncontrollable vomiting, feeling as though i have the flu/mono and can barely lift my head because i'm so achy and exhausted, random fever and rashes, hot flashes/night sweats/insomnia/mood swings from medical menopause, and on top of it all, missing my boyfriend so much that the only thing keeping me from flying to see him is the bright part of my day; the little fluffy face waiting to greet me when i'm home.

i am completely and totally broke, and my parents are having to help me pay my rent. my health insurance is so insanely expensive that i can't afford to go to the doctor as much as i need to, or fill my medicine as much as i'd like. and i can't miss work.

i'm well aware that most of my co-workers have lost patience with me when i'm unusually ill, even though i do everything in my power to avoid it. but it's irrevocably unavoidable sometimes. believe me, i'd much rather use my time off for vacation than surgery or severe bursts of pain that force me to stay in bed all day on painkillers.

my boyfriend is amazing and perfectly lovely, but he lives in sweden, and isn't here to give me a hug when i get home. instead, i have to bitch to my mom. and now, she feels like she can't retire, since my parents are still having to support me. and it cycles over, and over, and over.

and most days, my body is so tired that it's a struggle to quite literally get out of bed. i can easily sleep 16 hours straight.

i know i have two insanely terrible autoimmune diseases. they call them "the evil twins," and for a damn good reason. but something else is going on, and i'm running out of energy (and money) to figure out exactly what it is.

and the same thought loops through my head every hour of every day is that there has GOT to be more than this. i'm not settling for all this crap. i didn't work my ass off for four and a half years and survive 4 knee surgeries, three years of physical therapy, four endometriosis surgeries, appendix/gallbladder surgery, put up with medically-induced menopause, two autoimmune diseases and a slew of other issues, to feel like this. i just fucking didn't. sorry.

so i'm whiny and bitchy, and blah-ish, and ultimately, this translates into me feeling like a tremendous burden on the world. or at least, that's what it feels like.

i'm just tired of it all. i've refrained from writing much lately, because it's not all sunshine and buttercups and paper hearts aflutter. it's gritty, while i try to choke back tears, and i end up with smeared eye makeup and mellow music on infinite repeat. and i collapse in bed, only to wake up and do it all again the next day.

so, we'll see... i'm at the end. i can't physically or emotionally handle anything else. i hate bitching and whining, but whatever.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

two five

"mom, this whole turning 25 thing is kind of bumming me out. i'm a quarter of a century old, and i'm not sure why i feel weird, but it's just inexplicably strange."

"that's probably because a lot of people get married by the time their 25. but don't worry, i think you'll get married some day. it just might take a while."


"speaking of which, what are you and magnus doing for valentines day?"

"with an ocean between us?"

"well, you're exchanging gifts or something, right? what do you think you'll send him?"

"i found out they don't celebrate valentine's day in sweden. like, at all."

"oh. well if it makes you feel any better, one of the girls in my class told me her mom died, but it turns out she just went to prison. and then [a little boy] bit her when he found out about her lies."

thanks, mom.

(and this was the point in the conversation where i miraculously had to go, because i was carrying a gallon of milk, a fattening cheese pizza, and soft 'n chewy chips ahoy)

and now, i'm drinking jager in a fluffy bathrobe and making jewelry. is this really how i'm going to start the first day of being 25? yes ma'am.

it's official, i'm super old.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

hey guys! it's christmas time! + 2010 top tens.

first of all, MERRY freaking CHRISTMAS, kids!

i haven't blogged in FOREVER, which i always feel the need to apologize for, but, yeah. i started a blog about endo, but that got so depressing and just turned into monster bitching, so i'm abandoning that, at least for the time being. these next couple of paragraphs are mainly just about health, so feel free to skip over. my endo is kind of sort of more under control. i still have pain every single day, which i genuinely hate, but i think it's something i'm unfortunately just going to have to live. for a while, at least.

and while i'm on the subject of health, yep, i had to have emergency surgery to have my gallbladder out last friday. i learned i had gallstones a few weeks ago, which was mildly gross, but more or less just made me all like, "what? why?" yes, i could stand to lose a few pounds and not be so squishy (thank you, Lupron), but i'm 24, i'm a vegetarian, and i'm not morbidly obese. but after a bit of using dr. google and consulting with a doctor, i found out that large doses of estrogen (which my body has trouble processing anyways) caused the gallstones.

anyways, i'm in rockwall, and i'm thankful that i had the surgery BEFORE christmas, so that i wouldn't have to spend christmas in pain and just waiting. and while i've been home, i haven't had much to do, aside from watch enough fa-la-la-la lifetime to last me a lifetime. and i had to spend a significant amount of time propped up in bed (the couch wasn't as comfortable on my monstrously sore stomach). and as you guys know, going back to your old room is a little depressing. if it's anything like my old room, it's just a holding cell for all your old stuff; computer monitors and boxes of 7th grade notes, and books with corners bent from being stuffed into your backpack in middle school with too much stuff. i opened a desk drawer and found it STUFFED with loads of crap i haven't touched since high school, eesh.

anyways, i picked up one of those books, with the bent corners and the fading spine, and even though it was an easy read, i was on a lot of pain killers, and it brought back good memories. and kind of inspired me to write. i feel so guilty, because blogging isn't writing (unless you're the webmaster/mistress of regretsy or perez hilton or something). at any rate, one of my co-workers at CAA is a former classmate from one of my creative writing classes at TCU, and the other day (before surgery), we were discussing how much we missed writing. i really and truly do, and i still want to publish a book someday. a collection of personal essays, but maybe some young adult fiction. i was surprised by how enthralling it can be to write through the eyes of a twelve year-old. one of my college profs encouraged me to pursue that venue, and after rereading a few young adult genre novels, i'm inspired. i was really flattered when she suggested that, and by no means am i insinuating that i would be successful, but even if it's just a hobby, i would enjoy it.

which leads me to my next point.

i'm a big fan of top fives/tens, and what better way to wrap up 2010 than to leave you with my top ten christmas songs i've been jamming to this year (since i didn't get a chance to share them through CDs prior to surg). and my top ten 2011 resolutions. i'd love to hear yours as well!

my top 10 christmas jams, v. 2010:

1. Best Coast & Wavves - Got Something For You
2. Fanfarlo - Just Like Christmas
3. Carla Thomas - Gee Whiz, It's Christmas!
4. Sufjan Stevens - Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!
5. The Boy Least Likely To - Christmas Isn't Christmas
6. First Aid Kid - Blue Christmas
7. Otis Redding - Merry Christmas, Baby
8. Florence + the machine - Last Christmas (Wham! cover)
9. Regina Spektor - My Dear Acquaintance (A Happy New Year)
10. Feist - Lo, How a Rose E're Blooming


my top 10 2011 resolutions:

1. fit back into my favorite pair of martin + osa dark blue skinny jeans. and also run a marathon. i am so over these extra pounds i've gained from Lupron. no more squishy leslie, and do i ever feel oh-so-squishy. even if it is from medicine, it doesn't make me feel any better. also, i have a functioning knee. i hate running, but it would be the best feeling ever to cross the finish line.

2. pay off my credit card and actually have 6 months salary saved, like a regular person, instead of buying things off etsy and victoria's secret (PS, THEIR SEMI-ANNUAL SALE IS ONLINE!), and going out to eat far too often. maybe learn to cook (better) too. just money management in general.

3. visit sweden again! i will die if i have to wait until summer to see magnus again. i also REALLY miss ericka & gillis! i don't know which one of us will end up moving to another country, but at least i have some completely awesome friends in sweden, if that's where magnus & i end up.

4. write. not just blog, but actually write. like i mentioned before. also, this is a recycled resolution from last year, but whatever.

5. avoid surgery, of any kind. self-explanatory. plus, i'm tired of ugly scars. my stomach looks like a battlefield and/or i got knifed.

6. learn how to make jewelry. i've always, always, always wanted to do this, and i think i'd probably save money. or, at the very least, have another hobby.

7. save enough money to replace my computer/upgrade my phone. this one is necessary, and i'd like to splurge on an imac. and probably an iphone, or something.

8. learn swedish. why are there no swedish classes around here? even if i'm not awesome, it would be a step up from where i am now. also, i feel badly that magnus always has to speak english. i can't believe ericka is fluent! kudos to her, as this is a maaaajor accomplishment. my accent is terrible in my extremely limited swedish vocabulary (which is mostly comprised of "i love you" and "let's eat gingersnaps and pancakes").

9. keep my endo under control. this kind of goes along with #5, but i'd really like to be off all the medicine i have to take for it. this probably isn't possible until i have a hysterectomy (which i swear i'll do if one more inner organ starts fails at being normal due to all this). but i have a great doctor, and i would ideally only like to take medicine for seasonal allergies instead of practically having to have a days of the week pill organizer (though even i wouldn't stoop this low).

10. get a raise or promotion. i've missed too much work due to illness and all that lately to even be considered for anything like that, but i'll have my 1 year review in august, and that's only 7 months away, so... :) and don't get me wrong, my salary and benefits aren't bad at all, but i have a lot of debt from medical bills, and i know i will in the future, so this would be awesome.

and thanks to my 43 things calendar, i can check out everything i've accomplished in 2010, which makes me feel a-okay:

I rehabbed my knee.
I re-conquered high heels.
I flew somewhere on a total whim.
I went to SXSW.
I received flowers.
I drank tea more often.
I bought a piece of mirrored furniture.
I tried Absinthe.
I visited Rach in Bloomington.
I visited Ericka & Gillis in Sweden.
I traveled abroad.
I kissed a foreigner.
I fell in love again.
I got a real job.
I moved into a new apartment decorated in damask, birds, black & white, and silver.

all in all, productive year. thanks to everyone who was a part of it! i couldn't have made it to 2011 without you... cheese. but so true :)

i'd love to hear what's on your mind, what your christmas/new years plans are, and any resolutions you have.

merry, merry christmas to you & yours. as the years pass, i'm increasingly thankful for each & every one of you!